So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
