if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
