ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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