i was rollin on her like bob the builder
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
