Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
