One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
