The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
