nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
