Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
