have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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