tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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