Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
