I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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