I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
