there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
