His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
