I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
