Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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