I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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