I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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