it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
In America we eat man semen.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
