At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
