I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
