How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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