then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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