My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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