I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
