You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
