i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
