Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT