oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..