I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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