Just fell off a train. Bad.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
