And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
