i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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