Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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