my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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