I'm pants shitting drunk right now
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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