I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
