How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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