There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
