I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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