pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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