if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
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I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
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Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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