You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
