he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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