cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
