All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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