it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
