The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
