I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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