There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
