Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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