Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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