I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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